Childbearing years. It will be over soon. The process has started some months ago, but now it is truly coming to an end.
To me, that includes getting pregnant, staying pregnant, giving birth, and then breast feeding. No.1 will be turning 9 this year. Which means I have been childbearing for almost 9 years. I have successfully exclusively breastfed all my 3 children until they are/were 2 years old. No.3 will be 2 in 11 days. I have started weaning her off (not quite successfully yet, as she still looks for the breast for comfort before going to sleep, or when she wakes up in the middle of the night) since new year's day, but I am firm in my decision that the breastpump will finally be boxed up for good, perhaps even be given away.
Mixed feelings. I look forward to the coming days when I do not have to plan my wardrobe according to my baby anymore. For many years, dresses were a big NO-NO. How in the world do you breastfeed discreetly in a dress, especially form-fitting dresses? I have dressed up in 2-piece most times, or particularly low-necked dresses for baby's easy access. Even my swimming gear is a 2-piece (eventhough I have always thought a 2-piece (unless if it's a bikini) swimsuit is the most ridiculous thing in the world). Each time I travel, for the last 9 years (6 years of breastfeeding, 27 months of pregnancy - it DOES come up to about 9 years) I was always worrying about where to store my milk. Or how to transport my stored milk in those longer journeys. Throwing away unused pumped milk has always been the greatest regret. Basically my life was all about breastfeeding, pumping, storing and washing all those pumping stuff (including the milk bottles of course). I even had to ask a new employer to get me a fridge because I needed to store my milk at work.
Speaking of work, it doesn't really work (no pun intended). No, it doesn't. I tried, and looking back, I am amazed I could accomplish all that. I mean, working full time for someone else, with no flexibility whatsoever, travelling on a week's (or couple of days') notice - rushing back to feed baby, pump and driving back to office while grabbing something to eat, all during that 1 hour lunchtime. Baby sick and cranky the entire night for days and days (sometimes weeks) in a row, yet we still have to wake up early in the morning to go to work. Or to catch that flight for an out of town assignment. I finally handed in my resignation letter when No. 1 was slightly over a year old, and each time I look at my career path - I regret that decision. I would never be able to make a u-turn and go back to that path. And practising law in a smaller state where sole proprietorship 'one-man-show' is the norm, an aspiring corporate ladder climber who feels more comfortable in a 'big-firm' setting like me would never be able to get back into that one-and-only big firm in town without some form of humble pie swallowing (think : someone 9 years your junior being your superior and bossing over you). So anyway for almost 7 years now I have been a work from home mom (refer to my previous post to know that it's NOT as glamorous nor 'oh-how-lucky-you-can-earn-while-seeing-to-your-kids' as it seems). While we are at that, I am happy to announce that I am more than ready to jump in right back into that corporate climbing bandwagon (ok, even if I have to swallow that humble pie) - any kind employers out there looking for someone?
Ok, back to that mixed feeling of ending my childbearing years. I will always miss the feeling of being pregnant. If you read my other posts (especially the first 38 posts documenting the 38 weeks of my pregnancy - it applies to all 3 pregnancies), you will know that my pregnancies aren't your run of the mill pregnancies, I had this thing called incompetent cervix - ok go read those 38 posts to get a full picture of what it was all about - but in a gist, it is where you have this weak cervix that can't hold your pregnancy so you need to have a little stitch in (ouch) at your 12th week pregnancy and then bedrest the remaining 6 months (sounds like a favourite leisure activity? Try it yourself first then talk to me) and then at the end of the 38th week have that stitch removed (even ouchier) and wait for baby to come. Ok, all that. Yet, the feeling of baby kicking in the stomach. The queasiness, the lightheadedness, the bloatedness, the EATING AND GETTING FAT WITH AN EXCUSE-ness... Pregnancy would be something I miss dearly. And of course, all those wonderful contractions and pain and anticipation and drama in the labour room - will totally miss that. No, no sarcasm, I will truly miss all that. Even the sleepless nights, the sore nipples, the messy baby who burps, spits, farts, feeds, soils (and then some) 24/7 - I will miss all that too.
The last 9 years have taught me so much about Life. I can write a book, actually, this little blog wouldn't do any justice to how much I have gone through and how much I have learnt. Not only about Life, but about children, about the world, about human nature and human behaviour, about relationships, about economics, faith, and most of all, about ME. All my 3 little munchkins have very very separate and distinct personalities - and as I transition into my CHILD RAISING years (yes, we made them, now we raise them and bring them up to be good people), I know that more is yet to come. I was just driving on the road yesterday when it dawned upon me - if some truck come barging into my car right now, the last thing in my mind wouldn't be, "How would the world remember of me as a lawyer?" Instead, it will be, "How would my 3 kids remember me as a Mom?"
This is despite the fact that being a lawyer has always defined me. My relatives refer to me as 'the one who is a lawyer'. Recently I found out neighbours do that too. I bumped into my husband's cousin's in-laws (yea, distant) yesterday during breakfast and after much explaining to the elderly lady about how we know each other (we meet like, once a year during Christmas so she couldn't place who I was), she finally went "Oh, the lawyer one?" Well, maybe because the last 7 years I have been taking it easy, working from home only doing a lot of drafting of documents, court papers and contracts, going to court very minimally - I don't feel much like a lawyer. But being a mom - will that ever taper off as the kids grow up? I pretty much doubt that. My dad is 74. My eldest sis is 50 with a family of her own. Yet when he was in my car yesterday and she drove past without a working brake light, he was seriously about to jump off my car, wave her down to tell her she needed to fix that. I had to stop him and remind him that these day, a Whatsapp message would suffice. My point is, motherhood will always define me.
I know I should look forward to the next stage of my life. Where I can rebuild my career (nothing is ever too late, I remember the KFC Colonel story), get back into shape (we had a high school get together recently and it is quite noticeable those who didn't have kids still look pretty much the same, unlike the rest of us - especially me who ballooned to almost 30kg more than my pre-pregnancy weight during pregnancy due to the bedresting and no-guilt eating - ok, this is another topic and another blog) and enjoy my children. Yes, enjoy them. It is indeed a joy seeing them relate to each other, their fights, their bickerings - but how they end up in each other's arms in the mornings and how they look out for each other whenever they are out in a different social setting. Well, as much as I look forward to this transition, I am also very worried. Worry for their future, worry for our future, the world that is has become - we used to think that the best thing to do is to pack up and go to a safer place, but globally, we all know that the world everywhere is not safe anymore.
Perhaps this is why my prayers have become much simpler lately. All I pray for is that all my children will be Safe, Healthy and Happy always.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Monday, May 9, 2016
DO NOT BULLY MY CHILDREN!
Ok. Let's see. I have so much to say I don't know where to start and I don't know if it will end. Be FOREWARNED : This particular post is a bashing of sorts towards those who has issues with my kids. Or kids in general. Or just anything to do with kids. And be forewarned also that I will be using a lot of SUPERLATIVES (maybe even some expletives) and EXAGGERATION, as bringing up kids ARE A SUPERLATIVELY EXAGGERATING PROCESS!!!)
These are the people who would tell you that you are SPOILING your kids too much. Or that you shouldn't have too many kids, as the world economy is failing, the world is coming to an end, you are a bad parent, it's 'difficult to bring up kids these days'...... (do fill in the blanks. Nothing is too ridiculous for these child haters - ok maybe they are not child haters. They just don't think you in particular should have them). These are the people who would 'discipline' your kids right in front of your face without giving a second thought. These are the people who would WRITE ARTICLES and the people who SHARE THESE ARTICLES about how parents spoil their kids these days, and how babies shouldn't be picked up immediately when they cry because they would grow up to be monsteric adults, how we shouldn't allow our kids to watch youtube on our tablets during meals, and how we shouldn't find our dearest pet a new home because our new baby is allergic to cats and was suffering from serious bouts of asthma attacks.
I have noticed, over the years, that these people are more or less (I said 'more or less' because I AM GENERALISING, there are some rare exceptions, but they are RARE, but most of these BULLIES as I would call them throughout this blog, have these dispositions and tendencies) of the following dispositions and tendencies :
1) THEY DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN
Yes, because if they do, they wouldn't be child-haters. With maybe the few exceptions of the moms who had kids because 'it was an accident', or because of in law/spouse pressure, or HORRORS....PEER PRESSURE!!! (Yea, the 40 year old former beauty queen who needed a baby next to her as a fantastic accessory to her botox and boobjob.) I have had enough of people without kids trying to give me advice about kids. Recently, a post by a schoolteacher about not spoiling or 'servicing' our kids by not allowing them to be 'bored sometimes'. I mean, really? It's got nothing to do with spoiling or servicing. We just want to have a decent meal in a restaurant or shop in a public place without any major meltdowns, which, YOU THE VERY SAME PEOPLE WHO ARE WRITING AND SUPPORTING THIS KIND OF RUBBISH, would have a problem with. Yea, if we do not occupy them with tablets, puzzles, games and activities and they DO GET BORED, and they start to make noise, YOU, BULLIES would be the very same persons to give us the murderous stare!!!
Oh... this schoolteacher who wrote this article (which went viral, it seems), DOES NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN!!! But when he does, '...sometime in the future...' AHhhhhhhh..... the IFS and the WHENS. Of course, everything is easier said than done. In foresight and in hindsight. If I were an astronaut, if I were a bird, when I become a billionaire.... oh come on, do you really think only kids 'these days' get bored easily? Kids get bored!!! Period. I don't need to do intensive science research to know this. I'm a mom. I have nieces and nephews. I was a kid. I had a baby brother. Kids are easily bored because they absorb information all the time and they have the basic human instinct to explore and discover. They need to learn. If they don't learn they are bored. Simple as that. I don't need 16 YEARS OF TEACHING EXPERIENCE to know this. I know this because I'm a mom. By the way, I do agree with your point no.2 and 3. Except that I don't know which planet you are coming from, but the kids I know and the kids I raise... they don't fall into that category. And parents are proud parents anyway, whether their kids burped or farted. Or had a blob of ink on the paper and call that art. We are parents. We are proud of our kids.
And I just have to mention this... some of my friends on my fb list actually shared this lame, thoughtless rubbish on their fb walls, and tada..... they all do not have kids!
2) THEY DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN
Oh, that was my No.1? Oops... But maybe that is all there is to it. They do not have children. Why else would they have a problem with me finding a new home for my cat when my baby had serious, numerous asthma attacks due to allergy to animal fur? I am very tempted to put no.2 as 'they tend to be animal lovers', but then I remembered many many of my friends (who, incidentally, are single and do not have children - but they are of course the wonderful exceptions) who love animals and love my kids too. And they understand the need for me to give away my beloved tabby (who has since passed on) because my no.2 was asthmatic and it was proven that the trigger was cat fur. We stayed up many many nights, wondering if the baby was breathing. We had many many incidents at the emergency room when baby had the attacks, and many many long duration in the hospitals, with the nebuliser constantly stuck to his small little face. So no, we are not cat haters. Nor animal haters. We love animals (in fact, most animal lovers are LOVERS.). But you see, my human child is a human child. And of course my baby's wellbeing and LIFE is more important than Miao Miao. Besides, it would be CRUEL to lock Miao Miao up in a room or in a cage just because we didn't want her fur to fly around the house. We found her a good home and she had a very very good life till the day she was put down at the grand old age of 19. My baby is now 4 and is still very sensitive to certain allergens.
And I need to add that one of my very bestfriends is a paediatrician, and she is single. She doesn't have any kids. But she has formal education and training and experience with kids. So she is allowed to tell me what to do with my kids. She is allowed to give her opinion. She doesn't force her opinions (medically trained ones, that is) on me. She loves my kids. And she told me I couldn't keep the cat. So unless you are a child doctor, don't try to tell me what to do with my kids. I didn't ask.
3) THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ISSUES AS PARENTS
Ok, at least no.3 isn't the same as no1 and 2. Now I'm talking about those with kids. I am also a parent, and I'm struggling as a parent. These babies did not come with manuals. Yes there are numerous books in the stores telling you how to deal with tantrums and toddlers... but the writers are not YOU. They DO NOT HAVE YOUR KIDS AS THEIR KIDS. Every child is different and every child is unique. So just because you are a parent, you have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to force your ideas and beliefs onto others!!!
You may have gotten it right with your own kids (or maybe not), but that doesn't mean that it will apply to my kids. I didn't ask for your advice anyway.
If you are insecure about whether your children are brought up right, and whether they are the cause of HAVOC AND CHAOS AT EVERY SINGLE PARTY THEY ATTEND, that is NOT MY PROBLEM and YOU DO NOT HAVE RIGHT TO console yourselves but telling the world (ok, maybe not the world, but publicly posting on your fb wall is an extremely childish thing to do) that it was MY CHILD who was the BAD one and your children were the ANGELS. Seriously, most of the time you just scream and shout and hit your kids, in public, and you can't control them at all. Or you can't be bothered. You are one of those parents who think buying them expensive toys every single weekend make up for bad parenting... so pleases do not try to tell me what to do with my kids!
I mean, ok, my kids aren't angels. They are boys. But hubby and I STRIVE to keep them under control all the time, and we are successful most times. Thing is, we try. And we do not try to discipline others' kids, especially when the parents are around (eventhough sometimes, we are so tempted to tell a child off because the parents who were there couldn't be bothered). I could keep our christmas tree up year after year with our kids. The first time it was destroyed, it was someone else's children. Why do parents allow their kids to mess up others homes?!!!!
I'm a parent. I don't let my kids go to others' homes and take out toys on their own, break things, tear up things, or touch anything at all without the permission of the host. And even with the permission of the host, if we knew our kids would be overexcited and would start messing up things, we would politely decline the invitation to take out those boxes and boxes of toys.
Ok, I need to conclude now. Enough of ranting and venting.
Basically, I love my kids and I would do anything to protect them from harm, be it physical harm or mental harm. And I would sacrifice anything, even friendships, for my kids. You are toxic if you do not have constructive criticisms towards my kids. You are allowed to criticise and share your opinions, but make sure you have the right to. Make sure you know what you are saying and make sure your intentions are good. Whenever I try to 'dish out' advice to other parents, I would politely tell them this is how I handle my kids, and I would tell them it doesn't mean it will work with their kids and it doesn't mean it works with my own kids all the time, but here it is.... YOU DO NOT SHOVE SOMETHING AS SENSITIVE AND AS PERSONAL AS CHILD UPBRINGING INTO OTHERS' THROATS.
The last time I did that, I almost lost a sister. She did not speak to me for 2 months. I learnt my lesson. I hope you learnt yours soon.
These are the people who would tell you that you are SPOILING your kids too much. Or that you shouldn't have too many kids, as the world economy is failing, the world is coming to an end, you are a bad parent, it's 'difficult to bring up kids these days'...... (do fill in the blanks. Nothing is too ridiculous for these child haters - ok maybe they are not child haters. They just don't think you in particular should have them). These are the people who would 'discipline' your kids right in front of your face without giving a second thought. These are the people who would WRITE ARTICLES and the people who SHARE THESE ARTICLES about how parents spoil their kids these days, and how babies shouldn't be picked up immediately when they cry because they would grow up to be monsteric adults, how we shouldn't allow our kids to watch youtube on our tablets during meals, and how we shouldn't find our dearest pet a new home because our new baby is allergic to cats and was suffering from serious bouts of asthma attacks.
I have noticed, over the years, that these people are more or less (I said 'more or less' because I AM GENERALISING, there are some rare exceptions, but they are RARE, but most of these BULLIES as I would call them throughout this blog, have these dispositions and tendencies) of the following dispositions and tendencies :
1) THEY DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN
Yes, because if they do, they wouldn't be child-haters. With maybe the few exceptions of the moms who had kids because 'it was an accident', or because of in law/spouse pressure, or HORRORS....PEER PRESSURE!!! (Yea, the 40 year old former beauty queen who needed a baby next to her as a fantastic accessory to her botox and boobjob.) I have had enough of people without kids trying to give me advice about kids. Recently, a post by a schoolteacher about not spoiling or 'servicing' our kids by not allowing them to be 'bored sometimes'. I mean, really? It's got nothing to do with spoiling or servicing. We just want to have a decent meal in a restaurant or shop in a public place without any major meltdowns, which, YOU THE VERY SAME PEOPLE WHO ARE WRITING AND SUPPORTING THIS KIND OF RUBBISH, would have a problem with. Yea, if we do not occupy them with tablets, puzzles, games and activities and they DO GET BORED, and they start to make noise, YOU, BULLIES would be the very same persons to give us the murderous stare!!!
Oh... this schoolteacher who wrote this article (which went viral, it seems), DOES NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN!!! But when he does, '...sometime in the future...' AHhhhhhhh..... the IFS and the WHENS. Of course, everything is easier said than done. In foresight and in hindsight. If I were an astronaut, if I were a bird, when I become a billionaire.... oh come on, do you really think only kids 'these days' get bored easily? Kids get bored!!! Period. I don't need to do intensive science research to know this. I'm a mom. I have nieces and nephews. I was a kid. I had a baby brother. Kids are easily bored because they absorb information all the time and they have the basic human instinct to explore and discover. They need to learn. If they don't learn they are bored. Simple as that. I don't need 16 YEARS OF TEACHING EXPERIENCE to know this. I know this because I'm a mom. By the way, I do agree with your point no.2 and 3. Except that I don't know which planet you are coming from, but the kids I know and the kids I raise... they don't fall into that category. And parents are proud parents anyway, whether their kids burped or farted. Or had a blob of ink on the paper and call that art. We are parents. We are proud of our kids.
And I just have to mention this... some of my friends on my fb list actually shared this lame, thoughtless rubbish on their fb walls, and tada..... they all do not have kids!
2) THEY DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN
Oh, that was my No.1? Oops... But maybe that is all there is to it. They do not have children. Why else would they have a problem with me finding a new home for my cat when my baby had serious, numerous asthma attacks due to allergy to animal fur? I am very tempted to put no.2 as 'they tend to be animal lovers', but then I remembered many many of my friends (who, incidentally, are single and do not have children - but they are of course the wonderful exceptions) who love animals and love my kids too. And they understand the need for me to give away my beloved tabby (who has since passed on) because my no.2 was asthmatic and it was proven that the trigger was cat fur. We stayed up many many nights, wondering if the baby was breathing. We had many many incidents at the emergency room when baby had the attacks, and many many long duration in the hospitals, with the nebuliser constantly stuck to his small little face. So no, we are not cat haters. Nor animal haters. We love animals (in fact, most animal lovers are LOVERS.). But you see, my human child is a human child. And of course my baby's wellbeing and LIFE is more important than Miao Miao. Besides, it would be CRUEL to lock Miao Miao up in a room or in a cage just because we didn't want her fur to fly around the house. We found her a good home and she had a very very good life till the day she was put down at the grand old age of 19. My baby is now 4 and is still very sensitive to certain allergens.
And I need to add that one of my very bestfriends is a paediatrician, and she is single. She doesn't have any kids. But she has formal education and training and experience with kids. So she is allowed to tell me what to do with my kids. She is allowed to give her opinion. She doesn't force her opinions (medically trained ones, that is) on me. She loves my kids. And she told me I couldn't keep the cat. So unless you are a child doctor, don't try to tell me what to do with my kids. I didn't ask.
3) THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ISSUES AS PARENTS
Ok, at least no.3 isn't the same as no1 and 2. Now I'm talking about those with kids. I am also a parent, and I'm struggling as a parent. These babies did not come with manuals. Yes there are numerous books in the stores telling you how to deal with tantrums and toddlers... but the writers are not YOU. They DO NOT HAVE YOUR KIDS AS THEIR KIDS. Every child is different and every child is unique. So just because you are a parent, you have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to force your ideas and beliefs onto others!!!
You may have gotten it right with your own kids (or maybe not), but that doesn't mean that it will apply to my kids. I didn't ask for your advice anyway.
If you are insecure about whether your children are brought up right, and whether they are the cause of HAVOC AND CHAOS AT EVERY SINGLE PARTY THEY ATTEND, that is NOT MY PROBLEM and YOU DO NOT HAVE RIGHT TO console yourselves but telling the world (ok, maybe not the world, but publicly posting on your fb wall is an extremely childish thing to do) that it was MY CHILD who was the BAD one and your children were the ANGELS. Seriously, most of the time you just scream and shout and hit your kids, in public, and you can't control them at all. Or you can't be bothered. You are one of those parents who think buying them expensive toys every single weekend make up for bad parenting... so pleases do not try to tell me what to do with my kids!
I mean, ok, my kids aren't angels. They are boys. But hubby and I STRIVE to keep them under control all the time, and we are successful most times. Thing is, we try. And we do not try to discipline others' kids, especially when the parents are around (eventhough sometimes, we are so tempted to tell a child off because the parents who were there couldn't be bothered). I could keep our christmas tree up year after year with our kids. The first time it was destroyed, it was someone else's children. Why do parents allow their kids to mess up others homes?!!!!
I'm a parent. I don't let my kids go to others' homes and take out toys on their own, break things, tear up things, or touch anything at all without the permission of the host. And even with the permission of the host, if we knew our kids would be overexcited and would start messing up things, we would politely decline the invitation to take out those boxes and boxes of toys.
Ok, I need to conclude now. Enough of ranting and venting.
Basically, I love my kids and I would do anything to protect them from harm, be it physical harm or mental harm. And I would sacrifice anything, even friendships, for my kids. You are toxic if you do not have constructive criticisms towards my kids. You are allowed to criticise and share your opinions, but make sure you have the right to. Make sure you know what you are saying and make sure your intentions are good. Whenever I try to 'dish out' advice to other parents, I would politely tell them this is how I handle my kids, and I would tell them it doesn't mean it will work with their kids and it doesn't mean it works with my own kids all the time, but here it is.... YOU DO NOT SHOVE SOMETHING AS SENSITIVE AND AS PERSONAL AS CHILD UPBRINGING INTO OTHERS' THROATS.
The last time I did that, I almost lost a sister. She did not speak to me for 2 months. I learnt my lesson. I hope you learnt yours soon.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Revelations: The FIRST Step to EVERYTHING
Countdown : It's 5 more days before Lana turns 1. We are having a big birthday bash for her. She is thriving. She is daddy's girl. And her daddy is a stable, calm, steady rock who has to live forever to remain the rock for all 4 of us. Because mommy isn't much of a rock.
Mommy's an egg. The one that hasn't been cooked. The one which appears hard on the outside, but as soft as jelly inside. She cracks easily. She breaks even more easily. It doesn't take much for her to break into pieces never to be put together again. The thing is, I have been broken over and over again. Yet with each 'fixing', well... humpty dumpty will never be put together again.
The Initial Journey
For the 1st time in my life, I was taken back to my life starting to when I was 5. I mean yes, we talk about our childhood and stuff whenever there are family gatherings, right? And your sisters, your mom will tell you of what they remember. But are your memories the same as theirs? Or they have somehow created those memories for you? What do YOU remember? I was 5. My baby and only brother was born. The much awaited son to carry the family name. How typical of a Chinese family. My mom's entire life was dedicated to bearing a son for my father. She recounts to us over and over again about how papa kissed her over and over and over again when my brother was born. That must have been THE happiest day in her life and she holds on to that memory of sheer joy and happiness.
What about me, mommy? Well, you were a disappointment. Yes, those were her EXACT words. "YOU WERE A DISAPPOINTMENT. We even had you at a private hospital instead of the government hospital because we thought you were finally going to be a boy. And you were the only baby girl born that day when the rest were boys! It may even be a mistake! Perhaps we had a son! But we pacified ourselves that we hadn't had a baby for a long time. So at least there you are... a baby," So there you have it... a 5 year old girl with 3 elder sisters aged 14, 15 and 16, and a baby brother whom EVERYONE was doting on.
"Whose kid is this?" that was a very common question during Chinese New Year amongst relatives and friends. Nobody knew who I was. I was a non-entity. There were the 3 daughters, and the much awaited baby boy. This 5 year old? Not sure. Who is she? Don't know. Insignificant.
Has it always been like that?
NO. I remember the days when papa fed me milk. I don't know, I must have been a baby. But I remember I didn't want mommy to feed me. She can make the milk for me while papa held me, but papa had to feed me. I actually remembered the room, the bed, the milk, the scene....
And I didn't want papa to go to work. I cried and cried till he had to take me to work. He was a school teacher. I must have been 3 or 4. He actually gave in and took me to school! I was a wilful child even from then. I remember him singing in his out of tune voice, "It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day..."
I was daddy's girl.
From childhood to adulthood
And it all changed. I was shouted at by papa for the 1st time when mom was pregnant with baby brother and we were on our way to Taiping Zoo. She had to go to the bathroom, but I wanted to arrive at the zoo soonest possible. It may appear insignificant to you, but that was the first time papa raised his voice to me.
He raised his voice all the time you know. He and mom got into fights all the time, sometimes it became physical. My 3 sisters feared him. I laughed at him. Until that day when I learnt it wasn't funny anymore. But I learnt quickly not to upset him. I was daddy's girl. He wasn't supposed to be angry at me. So I became a good girl. I actually begged mom to let me take piano lessons at the age of 5. Mom put me in the dark, rat infested storeroom whenever I refused to practise piano, because it was a waste of money and as school teachers we didn't have a lot of money. My sisters never gave such trouble to my parents.
I remember the year my brother was born. During the 9th day of Chinese New Year that very year, we had a whole pig instead of just a small portion like other previous years. Roasted pork. Yums. There was so much of it until we had to give away to friends and relatives. All because a baby boy was born into the family.
I did well in school. There was one year when I was in Primary 4 - I won ALL the book prizes, and I was top student of the entire Primary 4. With the exception of Malay Language prize. Papa was very proud of me and went to the school and took pictures of me receiving all the prizes. Mommy commented that I didn't win the Malay Language prize. I was a disappointment again.
I looked forward to receiving my report cards all year round. That was when papa would praise me and showed me off to all his friends and relatives. I was no longer the non-entity. I could play the piano, and I was "the Clever One". And I was 8 when I wrote my 1st book! Ok, it wasn't published, but while most kids were crazy about Barbie Dolls (it was about then when the Barbie Doll was introduced) I was compiling old unused exercise books to write stories in it. Yes, baby brother may be a BOY, but I was the CLEVER ONE!
But I wasn't a boy.
I was probably 8 or 9 when baby brother started to potty train. He HAD to use the toilet downstairs. But I needed to use the toilet. I was scared to go upstairs alone. I was 8 or 9. After I was done baby brother refused to potty train anymore. Suddenly someone yanked my hair and I was smacked repeatedly for refusing to use the toilet upstairs. I couldn't believe I would be hit for the very first time over such a trivial matter. But what I do remember was, that wouldn't be the last time.
But I did well in school. We moved to Penang because papa was transferred to teach in a school in Penang. I wasn't top of the top anymore because I attended one of the best convent schools in Penang. But I remained academically good, and comparably much better than my siblings. My musical endeavours continued, I was the school pianist. I could write well. And I was blossoming to become quite a pretty girl.
And then there were boys...
I was probably 12 when I first noticed them. And they noticed me. There was a lot of joy and satisfaction in that. Being the one to receive gifts and flowers during school fairs, love letters in the school bus, tuition centres. There was no such thing as social media then - not even mobile phone! They had to call my home. And they did. They wrote letters. They fought with each other. They played chess to win my phone number. The thing about boys is... they would do anything for you. You can scream and shout at them and throw tantrums but they would come crawling back. If they didn't, there would always be another dozen waiting to take their places.
And it was like that throughout pretty much of my teenage years.
I overheard a conversation between my father and his school teacher colleague once "Why do you allow your daughter to have a boyfriend at such young age?" Papa's reply was, "She is doing very well in studies. What can I do?"
Yes, I remained a good student with excellent results. I continued to thrive musically, leading the school choir and an active member of the state choir. I continued to write, and many of my articles were published in a local newsmagazine on a weekly basis, and many were published in the local daily too. I finished my Grade 8 piano by the time I was 14. But of course, while papa was proud of me, my mom didn't think it was great coz I didn't get a distinction. I only passed. Disappointment.
Before I finished high school, I have already learnt a few things :
1) Continue to make papa proud. That is NUMBER 1 PRIORITY IN LIFE. Otherwise, you are just another baby girl. A non entity. But now you are "the Clever One" with the 'photographic memory' and intelligence.
2) Continue to achieve good results academically. Otherwise you wouldn't be allowed to date. And boys are important. They make you feel like you are the most important thing in the world, as opposed to being a disappointment. They make good punching bags too. And they never fight back. They either continue being your punching bags until you get tired of them and asked them to fxxx off, or they walked off - which means hurray time for another batch of punching bags.
3) Sometimes you get disappointed too. Like when you were not chosen as lead character in that school play. Or when that particular boy you liked cheated on you. Or didn't like you back as much as you liked him. To avoid being hurt, "EXPECT THE WORST. And hope for the best." Make that your life motto. Expect the worst all the time. Because if you have plan B, C and D, you will not be disppointed nor hurt. Later on in life, I realised that made me the pessismist I am today. I don't know how to handle disappointment. I don't know how to SELF-SOOTHE.
The next chapter of my life would be the vulnerable years of stepping into adulthood. And boy were they screwed up. The baggage I carry would anchor the Titanic. It takes a real man like my husband to be able to stay afloat, and keep us all afloat. That would another story for another day.
I had a lot of dreams last night. I expect more tonight.
Mommy's an egg. The one that hasn't been cooked. The one which appears hard on the outside, but as soft as jelly inside. She cracks easily. She breaks even more easily. It doesn't take much for her to break into pieces never to be put together again. The thing is, I have been broken over and over again. Yet with each 'fixing', well... humpty dumpty will never be put together again.
The Initial Journey
For the 1st time in my life, I was taken back to my life starting to when I was 5. I mean yes, we talk about our childhood and stuff whenever there are family gatherings, right? And your sisters, your mom will tell you of what they remember. But are your memories the same as theirs? Or they have somehow created those memories for you? What do YOU remember? I was 5. My baby and only brother was born. The much awaited son to carry the family name. How typical of a Chinese family. My mom's entire life was dedicated to bearing a son for my father. She recounts to us over and over again about how papa kissed her over and over and over again when my brother was born. That must have been THE happiest day in her life and she holds on to that memory of sheer joy and happiness.
What about me, mommy? Well, you were a disappointment. Yes, those were her EXACT words. "YOU WERE A DISAPPOINTMENT. We even had you at a private hospital instead of the government hospital because we thought you were finally going to be a boy. And you were the only baby girl born that day when the rest were boys! It may even be a mistake! Perhaps we had a son! But we pacified ourselves that we hadn't had a baby for a long time. So at least there you are... a baby," So there you have it... a 5 year old girl with 3 elder sisters aged 14, 15 and 16, and a baby brother whom EVERYONE was doting on.
"Whose kid is this?" that was a very common question during Chinese New Year amongst relatives and friends. Nobody knew who I was. I was a non-entity. There were the 3 daughters, and the much awaited baby boy. This 5 year old? Not sure. Who is she? Don't know. Insignificant.
Has it always been like that?
NO. I remember the days when papa fed me milk. I don't know, I must have been a baby. But I remember I didn't want mommy to feed me. She can make the milk for me while papa held me, but papa had to feed me. I actually remembered the room, the bed, the milk, the scene....
And I didn't want papa to go to work. I cried and cried till he had to take me to work. He was a school teacher. I must have been 3 or 4. He actually gave in and took me to school! I was a wilful child even from then. I remember him singing in his out of tune voice, "It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day..."
I was daddy's girl.
From childhood to adulthood
And it all changed. I was shouted at by papa for the 1st time when mom was pregnant with baby brother and we were on our way to Taiping Zoo. She had to go to the bathroom, but I wanted to arrive at the zoo soonest possible. It may appear insignificant to you, but that was the first time papa raised his voice to me.
He raised his voice all the time you know. He and mom got into fights all the time, sometimes it became physical. My 3 sisters feared him. I laughed at him. Until that day when I learnt it wasn't funny anymore. But I learnt quickly not to upset him. I was daddy's girl. He wasn't supposed to be angry at me. So I became a good girl. I actually begged mom to let me take piano lessons at the age of 5. Mom put me in the dark, rat infested storeroom whenever I refused to practise piano, because it was a waste of money and as school teachers we didn't have a lot of money. My sisters never gave such trouble to my parents.
I remember the year my brother was born. During the 9th day of Chinese New Year that very year, we had a whole pig instead of just a small portion like other previous years. Roasted pork. Yums. There was so much of it until we had to give away to friends and relatives. All because a baby boy was born into the family.
I did well in school. There was one year when I was in Primary 4 - I won ALL the book prizes, and I was top student of the entire Primary 4. With the exception of Malay Language prize. Papa was very proud of me and went to the school and took pictures of me receiving all the prizes. Mommy commented that I didn't win the Malay Language prize. I was a disappointment again.
I looked forward to receiving my report cards all year round. That was when papa would praise me and showed me off to all his friends and relatives. I was no longer the non-entity. I could play the piano, and I was "the Clever One". And I was 8 when I wrote my 1st book! Ok, it wasn't published, but while most kids were crazy about Barbie Dolls (it was about then when the Barbie Doll was introduced) I was compiling old unused exercise books to write stories in it. Yes, baby brother may be a BOY, but I was the CLEVER ONE!
But I wasn't a boy.
I was probably 8 or 9 when baby brother started to potty train. He HAD to use the toilet downstairs. But I needed to use the toilet. I was scared to go upstairs alone. I was 8 or 9. After I was done baby brother refused to potty train anymore. Suddenly someone yanked my hair and I was smacked repeatedly for refusing to use the toilet upstairs. I couldn't believe I would be hit for the very first time over such a trivial matter. But what I do remember was, that wouldn't be the last time.
But I did well in school. We moved to Penang because papa was transferred to teach in a school in Penang. I wasn't top of the top anymore because I attended one of the best convent schools in Penang. But I remained academically good, and comparably much better than my siblings. My musical endeavours continued, I was the school pianist. I could write well. And I was blossoming to become quite a pretty girl.
And then there were boys...
I was probably 12 when I first noticed them. And they noticed me. There was a lot of joy and satisfaction in that. Being the one to receive gifts and flowers during school fairs, love letters in the school bus, tuition centres. There was no such thing as social media then - not even mobile phone! They had to call my home. And they did. They wrote letters. They fought with each other. They played chess to win my phone number. The thing about boys is... they would do anything for you. You can scream and shout at them and throw tantrums but they would come crawling back. If they didn't, there would always be another dozen waiting to take their places.
And it was like that throughout pretty much of my teenage years.
I overheard a conversation between my father and his school teacher colleague once "Why do you allow your daughter to have a boyfriend at such young age?" Papa's reply was, "She is doing very well in studies. What can I do?"
Yes, I remained a good student with excellent results. I continued to thrive musically, leading the school choir and an active member of the state choir. I continued to write, and many of my articles were published in a local newsmagazine on a weekly basis, and many were published in the local daily too. I finished my Grade 8 piano by the time I was 14. But of course, while papa was proud of me, my mom didn't think it was great coz I didn't get a distinction. I only passed. Disappointment.
Before I finished high school, I have already learnt a few things :
1) Continue to make papa proud. That is NUMBER 1 PRIORITY IN LIFE. Otherwise, you are just another baby girl. A non entity. But now you are "the Clever One" with the 'photographic memory' and intelligence.
2) Continue to achieve good results academically. Otherwise you wouldn't be allowed to date. And boys are important. They make you feel like you are the most important thing in the world, as opposed to being a disappointment. They make good punching bags too. And they never fight back. They either continue being your punching bags until you get tired of them and asked them to fxxx off, or they walked off - which means hurray time for another batch of punching bags.
3) Sometimes you get disappointed too. Like when you were not chosen as lead character in that school play. Or when that particular boy you liked cheated on you. Or didn't like you back as much as you liked him. To avoid being hurt, "EXPECT THE WORST. And hope for the best." Make that your life motto. Expect the worst all the time. Because if you have plan B, C and D, you will not be disppointed nor hurt. Later on in life, I realised that made me the pessismist I am today. I don't know how to handle disappointment. I don't know how to SELF-SOOTHE.
The next chapter of my life would be the vulnerable years of stepping into adulthood. And boy were they screwed up. The baggage I carry would anchor the Titanic. It takes a real man like my husband to be able to stay afloat, and keep us all afloat. That would another story for another day.
I had a lot of dreams last night. I expect more tonight.
Monday, December 7, 2015
The New Breed : WFHM (Work From Home Mom)
It's been crazy. Completely C R A Z Y.
So, No.3 was born since my last post. Cerclage was removed at Week 38, and there was quite a bit of drama as OBGYN went on holiday so even after removal of cerclage I had to just stay put and make sure he is back before I dilate further. But then again, I went straight to 4cms dilated upon removal of the darned stitch. Thank goodness lil one decided to make an appearance only 10 days later, exactly 1 week before her due date.
There wasn't much drama, except that I really wanted to remember the pain, as I knew this was going to be my last baby. I want to remember every contraction, every twitch, every grasping churning twisting pain. And there... finally the contractions were getting closer and more intense... and little Lana was finally born on 27 March 2015 - a whopping 3.94kg - bigger than her 2 elder brothers! I love every moment of watching her grow, her beautiful smile, her first laugh, the first time she flipped over, the first time she burped, sneezed, held herself up....
Fast forward to today - she is 8 months and 2 weeks old. My beuautiful little princess. Daddy's little pride and joy. He will pick her up before he even takes off his socks upon returning from work daily - she beams at him and it's wonderful to see the interaction between father and daughter.
Me? Well, all my plans for my career was at a standstill after my cerclage placement - and when little princess was 2 weeks old, I tried to get back to work - my business associate was even kind enough to strike a deal with me where I only need to draft and research - from home. No meeting of clients, no handling of office staff, no court work. Just draft. And research. From home. Now, baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps - how difficult can it be? The eldest just entered primary (elementary) school, and no. 2 1st year in preschool. I just need to pick them up after school, feed them, nap in the afternoon - of course I can be a WFHM (Work from Home Mom)!!! It beats being a fulltime working mom, I don't even need make up and high heels and I can fully breastfeed my little princess!!! Surely it beats the SAHM (stay at home moms) too! I mean... I am still earning a decent income and I can still have an identity - I can still call myself a practising lawyer! BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!! WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?!!!
Ok... in the beginning, your newborn does nothing but sleep. She cried only when she was hungry or she was dirty. Then she started crying when she was tired. Then she started crying just because she wanted attention. In the beginning, she slept 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. 6 solid hours of drafting and research - and a decent income. Wow... I could even bake and cook and do laundry and kept my house spick and span!
Then she started to sit, and crawl, and cruise... and before I could say SOLIDS, she was sleeping 1 hour and awake 3 hours instead of the other way round! So here was the crazy schedule (actually I would use the present tense, but it's the school holidays so... but once the holiday season is over it would be this schedule again! )....
Wake up.
Bathe and feed the boys
Prepare the boys for school
Keep fingers crossed that baby sleeps through all the morning chaos
Put laundry to wash
Say bye bye to boys and hubby
On a good day, now baby is up. Feed baby.
Defrost the meat, maybe even cut up some vegetables if she is quiet.
My turn for the toilet and bathroom if she is quiet.
Give baby her bath.
Play with her for a little while, or if she is quiet, keep yesterday's laundry.
Put out laundry
Fold laundry
Sweep and mop the floor a little
Clear the mess a little , if she is quiet.
(note "if she is quiet" becomes the main theme here)
Hopefully by now she needs her nap. If not, then continue to give her attention while trying to do some house chores.
It would be about 11am by now. 1 hour before I need to rush to pick up No.2 from preschool. Yikes, I hadn't cooked yet.
Maybe forget the chicken. Just boil some macaroni and sausages. Perhaps its mac and cheese for lunch today. Again.
Is baby napping yet? Remember the "if she is quiet" earlier when I had my bath and toilet time? If not, now is the time to put her in the crib and if she is still not quiet I will just have to brush my teeth, take my shower and everything else in the toilet WHILE SHE SCREAMS (oh, our neighbours have made comments about her screams several times by now)
Hey, what about that assignment that was due 2 weeks ago? The research about what happens if the Defendant wants to file an application to strike out my client's motion? Oh,maybe will try to do squeeze in some work after my bath, if she is quiet.
Is it 12.15 already? YIKES! Time to rush to pick up no.2. Wait... baby just fell asleep? No choice,have to risk waking her up while transferring her to the car. Rushed to pick no.2 up. He is sulking again as I was late.
No time to pacify him. Have to rush to pick up No.1 now. Oh dear... I forgot to bring his tuition bag... he had tuition after school. Oh no baby is crying in her carseat. Its too warm. Or is it too cold? Looked at all the other coiffed moms enviously... they are even wearing heels. I'm in my slippers (gosh they match today) and my old pair of spectacles (with 1 side tied up with string - no time to even get that repaired). Since when would I go anywhere without my contact lenses? oh well..
Ok, managed to get through lunch time (barely, shoving mac and cheese down my boys' throat with lots of threats "If you don't finish your food now NO PLANTS AND ZOMBIES FOR 3 WEEKS!!!!" and my own isn't really having lunch. It's shoving down lunch... sorry I diverted... ok, finally its 3pm and no2 and baby and myself are home. Perhaps they would nap now and I could finally work. Oh, the laundry still in the washing machine? The earlier "if she is quiet" obviously didn't work. Finally it was 4.30pm and they looked happy enough in their little dreamland. Time to finally settle down and get some work done. WHAT WORK?!!! I"M SO TOTALLY EXHAUSTED!!!! But well, no choice eh. Unless I wanted to work after all 3 sleep at night (about 10pm?). And we are talking about fullblown court trials- the drafting and research takes time. I have to read 200 cases before I get down to 1 relevant one. I'm not doing data entry or crocheting from home. I'm actually going through legal judgments (judges somehow took it upon themselves to write 100 page judgments to say something which can be summed up in 2 sentences. And if it's an appellate court, there would be 5 judges - each will write 100 pages of judgment eventhough all agreed with each other that the Defendant is liable to pay the Plaintiff the sum claimed)
Well, in the evening when the baby had her final feed and smiled to me while No.1 and No.2 give me the BIG FAT HUG (as they call it) and BIG FAT KISS saying "I love you very much mommy"... everything seems like ... it's all worth it. I haven't missed any of my daughter's firsts, as much as I have missed most of my 2 sons' firsts.
It's tough. I don't want to make sweeping statements that it's tougher than a full time working mom, or a SAHM. Who am I to say that? It's not a competition and I am not comparing. But there are days when relatives and friends (ill informed ones) would make statements like "You are so free what, nowadays a lady of leisure" - until I corrected them that I'm actually still earning a living working from home while trying to see to my 3 kids with very very different needs (I have a kid in primary school, everything is new and challenging and I have actually skipped the part about his homework and piano lessons - I have a Preschooler whom, thankfully, is quite independent but he is a sensitive, extremely intelligent child and I do not want to neglect his gift, and of course, an infant child). There are also days when my eldest would make comments like "daddy is working so hard. mommy is just staying at home" Of course he doesn't know better. But it still hurts.
And somehow friends are hard to come by. Because I'm always busy. It's difficult to hang out with working friends, as they actually earn real money and carrying real handbags and buying shoes and clothes from real retail shops. It's difficult to hang out with real SAHM as all they talk about are their kids and I want to talk about work too. I'm constantly judged by unmarried friends, married friends with no kids, and many (thankfully not all) fellow lawyers have totally cancelled me out of their address books. I'm stuck in between. I am constantly tired. Physically and mentally. I cry, laugh, scream, shout, all at the same time.
It's crazy. It's inhuman trying to do what I'm trying to do. I love my kids. I love being with my baby 24/7. But I also miss adult talk. I miss wearing make up and get a decent haircut. Now a good day is if I can shower without a baby screaming throughout the 5 minute shower. I hadn't had a haircut in months. Nobody invites me out for coffee and cake anymore because I have turned them down too often. I earn, but I don't earn enough to get help. I don't earn enough to hire a reliable maid or babysitter or to send my kids to daycare. I made the decision to stay at home, so obviously I couldn't earn as much. I turned away enough clients to finally have very few, if not, NONE at all, prospective client calling me. And even if they do call, I can't shortchange them because my hands are literally full. If I go back to work... well...
Life is tough.
Very tough. My 2 cent worth if you are at the stage where you are trying to decide whether to go back to work or be a SAHM? Well, either way, you are ok. Just not a WFHM. It does NOT work.
So, No.3 was born since my last post. Cerclage was removed at Week 38, and there was quite a bit of drama as OBGYN went on holiday so even after removal of cerclage I had to just stay put and make sure he is back before I dilate further. But then again, I went straight to 4cms dilated upon removal of the darned stitch. Thank goodness lil one decided to make an appearance only 10 days later, exactly 1 week before her due date.
There wasn't much drama, except that I really wanted to remember the pain, as I knew this was going to be my last baby. I want to remember every contraction, every twitch, every grasping churning twisting pain. And there... finally the contractions were getting closer and more intense... and little Lana was finally born on 27 March 2015 - a whopping 3.94kg - bigger than her 2 elder brothers! I love every moment of watching her grow, her beautiful smile, her first laugh, the first time she flipped over, the first time she burped, sneezed, held herself up....
Fast forward to today - she is 8 months and 2 weeks old. My beuautiful little princess. Daddy's little pride and joy. He will pick her up before he even takes off his socks upon returning from work daily - she beams at him and it's wonderful to see the interaction between father and daughter.
Me? Well, all my plans for my career was at a standstill after my cerclage placement - and when little princess was 2 weeks old, I tried to get back to work - my business associate was even kind enough to strike a deal with me where I only need to draft and research - from home. No meeting of clients, no handling of office staff, no court work. Just draft. And research. From home. Now, baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps - how difficult can it be? The eldest just entered primary (elementary) school, and no. 2 1st year in preschool. I just need to pick them up after school, feed them, nap in the afternoon - of course I can be a WFHM (Work from Home Mom)!!! It beats being a fulltime working mom, I don't even need make up and high heels and I can fully breastfeed my little princess!!! Surely it beats the SAHM (stay at home moms) too! I mean... I am still earning a decent income and I can still have an identity - I can still call myself a practising lawyer! BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!! WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?!!!
Ok... in the beginning, your newborn does nothing but sleep. She cried only when she was hungry or she was dirty. Then she started crying when she was tired. Then she started crying just because she wanted attention. In the beginning, she slept 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. 6 solid hours of drafting and research - and a decent income. Wow... I could even bake and cook and do laundry and kept my house spick and span!
Then she started to sit, and crawl, and cruise... and before I could say SOLIDS, she was sleeping 1 hour and awake 3 hours instead of the other way round! So here was the crazy schedule (actually I would use the present tense, but it's the school holidays so... but once the holiday season is over it would be this schedule again! )....
Wake up.
Bathe and feed the boys
Prepare the boys for school
Keep fingers crossed that baby sleeps through all the morning chaos
Put laundry to wash
Say bye bye to boys and hubby
On a good day, now baby is up. Feed baby.
Defrost the meat, maybe even cut up some vegetables if she is quiet.
My turn for the toilet and bathroom if she is quiet.
Give baby her bath.
Play with her for a little while, or if she is quiet, keep yesterday's laundry.
Put out laundry
Fold laundry
Sweep and mop the floor a little
Clear the mess a little , if she is quiet.
(note "if she is quiet" becomes the main theme here)
Hopefully by now she needs her nap. If not, then continue to give her attention while trying to do some house chores.
It would be about 11am by now. 1 hour before I need to rush to pick up No.2 from preschool. Yikes, I hadn't cooked yet.
Maybe forget the chicken. Just boil some macaroni and sausages. Perhaps its mac and cheese for lunch today. Again.
Is baby napping yet? Remember the "if she is quiet" earlier when I had my bath and toilet time? If not, now is the time to put her in the crib and if she is still not quiet I will just have to brush my teeth, take my shower and everything else in the toilet WHILE SHE SCREAMS (oh, our neighbours have made comments about her screams several times by now)
Hey, what about that assignment that was due 2 weeks ago? The research about what happens if the Defendant wants to file an application to strike out my client's motion? Oh,maybe will try to do squeeze in some work after my bath, if she is quiet.
Is it 12.15 already? YIKES! Time to rush to pick up no.2. Wait... baby just fell asleep? No choice,have to risk waking her up while transferring her to the car. Rushed to pick no.2 up. He is sulking again as I was late.
No time to pacify him. Have to rush to pick up No.1 now. Oh dear... I forgot to bring his tuition bag... he had tuition after school. Oh no baby is crying in her carseat. Its too warm. Or is it too cold? Looked at all the other coiffed moms enviously... they are even wearing heels. I'm in my slippers (gosh they match today) and my old pair of spectacles (with 1 side tied up with string - no time to even get that repaired). Since when would I go anywhere without my contact lenses? oh well..
Ok, managed to get through lunch time (barely, shoving mac and cheese down my boys' throat with lots of threats "If you don't finish your food now NO PLANTS AND ZOMBIES FOR 3 WEEKS!!!!" and my own isn't really having lunch. It's shoving down lunch... sorry I diverted... ok, finally its 3pm and no2 and baby and myself are home. Perhaps they would nap now and I could finally work. Oh, the laundry still in the washing machine? The earlier "if she is quiet" obviously didn't work. Finally it was 4.30pm and they looked happy enough in their little dreamland. Time to finally settle down and get some work done. WHAT WORK?!!! I"M SO TOTALLY EXHAUSTED!!!! But well, no choice eh. Unless I wanted to work after all 3 sleep at night (about 10pm?). And we are talking about fullblown court trials- the drafting and research takes time. I have to read 200 cases before I get down to 1 relevant one. I'm not doing data entry or crocheting from home. I'm actually going through legal judgments (judges somehow took it upon themselves to write 100 page judgments to say something which can be summed up in 2 sentences. And if it's an appellate court, there would be 5 judges - each will write 100 pages of judgment eventhough all agreed with each other that the Defendant is liable to pay the Plaintiff the sum claimed)
Well, in the evening when the baby had her final feed and smiled to me while No.1 and No.2 give me the BIG FAT HUG (as they call it) and BIG FAT KISS saying "I love you very much mommy"... everything seems like ... it's all worth it. I haven't missed any of my daughter's firsts, as much as I have missed most of my 2 sons' firsts.
It's tough. I don't want to make sweeping statements that it's tougher than a full time working mom, or a SAHM. Who am I to say that? It's not a competition and I am not comparing. But there are days when relatives and friends (ill informed ones) would make statements like "You are so free what, nowadays a lady of leisure" - until I corrected them that I'm actually still earning a living working from home while trying to see to my 3 kids with very very different needs (I have a kid in primary school, everything is new and challenging and I have actually skipped the part about his homework and piano lessons - I have a Preschooler whom, thankfully, is quite independent but he is a sensitive, extremely intelligent child and I do not want to neglect his gift, and of course, an infant child). There are also days when my eldest would make comments like "daddy is working so hard. mommy is just staying at home" Of course he doesn't know better. But it still hurts.
And somehow friends are hard to come by. Because I'm always busy. It's difficult to hang out with working friends, as they actually earn real money and carrying real handbags and buying shoes and clothes from real retail shops. It's difficult to hang out with real SAHM as all they talk about are their kids and I want to talk about work too. I'm constantly judged by unmarried friends, married friends with no kids, and many (thankfully not all) fellow lawyers have totally cancelled me out of their address books. I'm stuck in between. I am constantly tired. Physically and mentally. I cry, laugh, scream, shout, all at the same time.
It's crazy. It's inhuman trying to do what I'm trying to do. I love my kids. I love being with my baby 24/7. But I also miss adult talk. I miss wearing make up and get a decent haircut. Now a good day is if I can shower without a baby screaming throughout the 5 minute shower. I hadn't had a haircut in months. Nobody invites me out for coffee and cake anymore because I have turned them down too often. I earn, but I don't earn enough to get help. I don't earn enough to hire a reliable maid or babysitter or to send my kids to daycare. I made the decision to stay at home, so obviously I couldn't earn as much. I turned away enough clients to finally have very few, if not, NONE at all, prospective client calling me. And even if they do call, I can't shortchange them because my hands are literally full. If I go back to work... well...
Life is tough.
Very tough. My 2 cent worth if you are at the stage where you are trying to decide whether to go back to work or be a SAHM? Well, either way, you are ok. Just not a WFHM. It does NOT work.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
WEEK 38 : Week by Week Incompetent Cervix Pregnancy Guide - The Little Rainbow Behind The Storm
NOTE : For the regular advice on Week 38, I suppose there are hundreds of other websites to tell you how it
goes. This blog serves to supplement those sites, my personal favourites
being What To Expect, Baby Centre UK and Parents.
Do take note, however that I am not a professional physician, I
practise law for a living and the only thing I know about incompetent
cervix is through my own experience as a mother of 2 and a 36 week old
baking in the oven! :) The purpose of this blog then is just to simply
share the joys and heartaches, the blessings and curses, the sadness and
happiness and the disappointments and the pleasant surprises of our
journey as a mom with an incompetent cervix.
Well what do you know? It's week 38! Let's recap based solely on my own experience :
Baby No.1 : I almost lost him at 23w4d, with no measurable cervix left and dilation of 2cm. It was an emergency transvaginal cerclage, and I came across the term "incompetent cervix" for the 1st time. Was on strict bedrest till 37 weeks when TVC was removed (scheduled for 38 weeks but uterus was very irritable by then). Baby came by at 3.2kgs 10 days later after waterbag burst without any regular contractions but induced by pitocin.
Baby No.2 : A preventive TVC was placed at Week 15, strict bedrest for a month after which I went on with normal activities (except gym, heavy lifting, sexual intercourse and any other pelvic activities) including carolling during Christmas! TVC removed at Week 38, baby was getting too big by 40th week. Due to be induced a day after 40 weeks, but baby decided to make an appearance on due date.
Baby No. 3 : Totally unplanned for baby (I have PCOS and conceiving was always with few rounds of Clomid - so this one is a blessing from God). Preventive TVC was placed at Week 14, at which OBGYN observed a lot of scar tissues around my cervix due to multiple TVCs. Went on strict bedrest but effaced 100% with no measurable cervix left by Week 17. Lots of prayers and continued bedrest, and twice daily progesterone suppositories - by Week 20 cervix condition reversed. All went well ever since - as at the time this is written, am waiting for TVC to be removed on the 16th of March, 11 days from today.
I have been blessed thus far, and I am sure we can all beat the odds and do this. Be it PCOS, an incompetent cervix (well, we are not all that incompetent are we? We have gone through so much yet we braved through the proverbial storm) or anything else thrown at us throughout our journey to motherhood, we are finally here. A mom. Yes, a MOM.
We IC mommies take it by milestones... first, to the point where our pregnancy is viable enough for a cerclage to be placed. Then the 24 week mark. Then we take it day by day thereafter... till we have our little rainbow in our arms. Some of us do not make it through all the way, but we pick ourselves up and go through it all over again. We don't have to do it alone, as we have others to be there for us. The main purpose I started this blog was because I was sick and tired reading through those regular "week by week pregnancy guide" websites which tell us "your 2nd trimester is your honeymoon month, it's time to go have that babymoon". Well, guess what? The only time I had that babymoon it was with my 1st baby. And I almost lost him. Thank God for my very capable, very professional and very caring doctor, Dr Narinder Singh Shadan from Island Hospital, Penang, Malaysia. Today I am a mother of 2 (well, almost 3).
I will end this series of blog here today. The rest of the weeks - Week 39 through to the day baby is finally born - well, it's just waiting. And there are hundreds of regular websites which will tell you what to do and what to expect. I have mentioned before in one of the previous weeks - the only difference is perhaps we will not, IRONICALLY, dilate when the time comes. It makes sense - the cervix is no longer in its natural condition after the stitch. So more often than not, we may need to be induced.
I will miss being pregnant (I'm very sure, and so does hubby) but all I can say is... it's been an exciting journey. I thank God everyday for the babies, the friends I made all over the world (Do check out the Facebook Incompetent Cervix Awareness Group- the ladies are non judgmental, always caring, always listening), the true friends and family who stuck by me through the journeys (the blessing of the incompetent cervix found me true friends, and of course, made me realise there are many fair weathered friends hanging around too). What a great filter indeed!
So I would end this by saying... The incompetent cervix journeys have been more a blessing than it is a curse. Sure, I may sound insensitive towards some of you IC mommies who may have lost a baby (or several) before, and I apologise in advance. But whatever it is, we are all sisters, connected in the most intimate way - our desire to be a mother no matter what.
Take care, and don't forget to share my blog with whoever you think may need a friend to listen to. I welcome comments and questions, but like I said, I am not a professional medical person. Or have any expertise or paper qualifications medically. I practise law by profession, and I'm ... JUST A MOM.
Well what do you know? It's week 38! Let's recap based solely on my own experience :
Baby No.1 : I almost lost him at 23w4d, with no measurable cervix left and dilation of 2cm. It was an emergency transvaginal cerclage, and I came across the term "incompetent cervix" for the 1st time. Was on strict bedrest till 37 weeks when TVC was removed (scheduled for 38 weeks but uterus was very irritable by then). Baby came by at 3.2kgs 10 days later after waterbag burst without any regular contractions but induced by pitocin.
Baby No.2 : A preventive TVC was placed at Week 15, strict bedrest for a month after which I went on with normal activities (except gym, heavy lifting, sexual intercourse and any other pelvic activities) including carolling during Christmas! TVC removed at Week 38, baby was getting too big by 40th week. Due to be induced a day after 40 weeks, but baby decided to make an appearance on due date.
Baby No. 3 : Totally unplanned for baby (I have PCOS and conceiving was always with few rounds of Clomid - so this one is a blessing from God). Preventive TVC was placed at Week 14, at which OBGYN observed a lot of scar tissues around my cervix due to multiple TVCs. Went on strict bedrest but effaced 100% with no measurable cervix left by Week 17. Lots of prayers and continued bedrest, and twice daily progesterone suppositories - by Week 20 cervix condition reversed. All went well ever since - as at the time this is written, am waiting for TVC to be removed on the 16th of March, 11 days from today.
I have been blessed thus far, and I am sure we can all beat the odds and do this. Be it PCOS, an incompetent cervix (well, we are not all that incompetent are we? We have gone through so much yet we braved through the proverbial storm) or anything else thrown at us throughout our journey to motherhood, we are finally here. A mom. Yes, a MOM.
We IC mommies take it by milestones... first, to the point where our pregnancy is viable enough for a cerclage to be placed. Then the 24 week mark. Then we take it day by day thereafter... till we have our little rainbow in our arms. Some of us do not make it through all the way, but we pick ourselves up and go through it all over again. We don't have to do it alone, as we have others to be there for us. The main purpose I started this blog was because I was sick and tired reading through those regular "week by week pregnancy guide" websites which tell us "your 2nd trimester is your honeymoon month, it's time to go have that babymoon". Well, guess what? The only time I had that babymoon it was with my 1st baby. And I almost lost him. Thank God for my very capable, very professional and very caring doctor, Dr Narinder Singh Shadan from Island Hospital, Penang, Malaysia. Today I am a mother of 2 (well, almost 3).
I will end this series of blog here today. The rest of the weeks - Week 39 through to the day baby is finally born - well, it's just waiting. And there are hundreds of regular websites which will tell you what to do and what to expect. I have mentioned before in one of the previous weeks - the only difference is perhaps we will not, IRONICALLY, dilate when the time comes. It makes sense - the cervix is no longer in its natural condition after the stitch. So more often than not, we may need to be induced.
I will miss being pregnant (I'm very sure, and so does hubby) but all I can say is... it's been an exciting journey. I thank God everyday for the babies, the friends I made all over the world (Do check out the Facebook Incompetent Cervix Awareness Group- the ladies are non judgmental, always caring, always listening), the true friends and family who stuck by me through the journeys (the blessing of the incompetent cervix found me true friends, and of course, made me realise there are many fair weathered friends hanging around too). What a great filter indeed!
So I would end this by saying... The incompetent cervix journeys have been more a blessing than it is a curse. Sure, I may sound insensitive towards some of you IC mommies who may have lost a baby (or several) before, and I apologise in advance. But whatever it is, we are all sisters, connected in the most intimate way - our desire to be a mother no matter what.
Take care, and don't forget to share my blog with whoever you think may need a friend to listen to. I welcome comments and questions, but like I said, I am not a professional medical person. Or have any expertise or paper qualifications medically. I practise law by profession, and I'm ... JUST A MOM.
WEEK 37 : Week by Week Incompetent Cervix Pregnancy Guide - Coping With The Waiting Game
NOTE : For the regular advice on Week 37, I suppose there are hundreds of other websites to tell you how it
goes. This blog serves to supplement those sites, my personal favourites
being What To Expect, Baby Centre UK and Parents.
Do take note, however that I am not a professional physician, I
practise law for a living and the only thing I know about incompetent
cervix is through my own experience as a mother of 2 and a 36 week old
baking in the oven! :) The purpose of this blog then is just to simply
share the joys and heartaches, the blessings and curses, the sadness and
happiness and the disappointments and the pleasant surprises of our
journey as a mom with an incompetent cervix.
Some doctors will wait till 38 weeks to remove the stitch, but some will do it earlier, depending on the condition of your cervix and your stitch. Some will keep the KIV approach - and monitor you closely on a weekly basis to see the development of your baby (whether she is getting too big, whether level of amniotic fluid is still stable, whether placenta is starting to calsify) as well as whether the contractions you have been experiencing the past few weeks have affected the stitch. What is of utmost importance at this point is that you do not tear through your stitch.
You will probably want to ditch the stitch earliest possible, as you are done being pregnant. And you are done worrying about tearing through the stitch. You can discuss with your doctor of course, but from experience, my doctor agreed only to remove the stitch earlier than 38 weeks when the CTG scan actually picked up real contractions. Together with all the aches and pains of late pregnancy, and a whole new bundle of late pregnancy worries, we truly just want a healthy baby in our arms. And baby is, after all, already full term.
So by now you have probably ditched the stitch, or you are about to do it tomorrow, or next week. Do read Week 36 for what to expect during after your cerclage removal. People around you are already in their irritating mode of asking you the cliche questions "So when are you gonna pop?" or "Have you got a name for her yet?" stuff like that, you know. And they may think it's funny that you are now WADDLING (boink boink!!!) instead of walking. Being an IC mom 3rd time around, and observing all the pictures IC mommies posted on FB and forums, I can tell you that almost all of us gain more weight than others during our pregnancy. Yes, we have a very valid reason - it's the bedrest. It has caused a lot of weight gain (especially if you are like me, a fitness buff at normal times) and muscle loss. Just turning from left to right (and vice versa) in bed will probably leave you breathless, and that toilet trip 10 steps from your settee is probably gonna get you panting for breath.
So if you do feel like you truly want to get this over and done with as soon as possible, don't fret. You are not alone. You are not a bad mother. And well, eventhough I enjoyed my first 2 IC pregnancies, this 3rd one is taking its toll on my body. Perhaps it's just age. Perhaps the bedrest I had to endure this time around is for a longer period than the previous two, so the physical and emotional effects are taking its toll on me. If your stitch is already removed and you had been so looking forward to holding that baby in your arms but he/she is not yet making an appearance, just take this last few weeks as your opportunity to go walk the shopping complexes which you have not seen the daylight of the last 6 or so months. Go scrub that toilet with a toothbrush, and arrange and rearrange the little pink wardrobe full of little pink dresses and booties. But remember, though, if you do plan to go out, your waters may break (remember, there is no more stitch down there?) so be prepared to for that too. Bottomline is, truly enjoy these last few weeks as a pregnant lady. If you have been stuck with bedrest all these time, you probably didn't get to wear that chic maternity dress you bought when the 2 pink lines turned up on your pee stick. Well, now is the time to do that and enjoy the privileges and attention you may find yourself receiving from strangers around you at the mall and public places.
I have had strangers offering me to cut the queue at the public washroom, and seats at wherever I happen to be standing. I get chatted up by friendly shoppers. People in general would just give me a knowing smile and they don't seem to be able to help themselves from striking a conversation with me about my pregnant belly. It is a wonderful change from having been couped up at home in front of the computer/tab/smartphone/television.
Other sites will tell you to talk to your baby and all that... well, as IC mommies... and I think we owe it to our husbands and older children to pay them due attention now. Carry your 3 year old who has been missing it the last 6 months, or more. Take him to the park, go on that swing with your little girl, do all those things which you haven't been doing the last 6 months with your children, as you know within weeks (or even days) from now, you will be back to being unable to do all those things with them. As for the dear supportive husband, time for some tender loving care. If you are up to it, and if your doctor gives you the green light, perhaps it's time to resume some intimacy. :)
At the same time, always remember that late pregnancies come with its own worries and complications so even though we are totally out of our 'danger zone' (sometimes we IC mommies forget that there is more to a pregnancy than the worry of a preterm baby), it is prudent to still watch our health. Again, if our doctor gives us the green light, maybe time to resume some physical activities like walking, swimming and some stretching. Continue to eat healthily and wait for the arrival of the little bundle of joy.
Some doctors will wait till 38 weeks to remove the stitch, but some will do it earlier, depending on the condition of your cervix and your stitch. Some will keep the KIV approach - and monitor you closely on a weekly basis to see the development of your baby (whether she is getting too big, whether level of amniotic fluid is still stable, whether placenta is starting to calsify) as well as whether the contractions you have been experiencing the past few weeks have affected the stitch. What is of utmost importance at this point is that you do not tear through your stitch.
You will probably want to ditch the stitch earliest possible, as you are done being pregnant. And you are done worrying about tearing through the stitch. You can discuss with your doctor of course, but from experience, my doctor agreed only to remove the stitch earlier than 38 weeks when the CTG scan actually picked up real contractions. Together with all the aches and pains of late pregnancy, and a whole new bundle of late pregnancy worries, we truly just want a healthy baby in our arms. And baby is, after all, already full term.
So by now you have probably ditched the stitch, or you are about to do it tomorrow, or next week. Do read Week 36 for what to expect during after your cerclage removal. People around you are already in their irritating mode of asking you the cliche questions "So when are you gonna pop?" or "Have you got a name for her yet?" stuff like that, you know. And they may think it's funny that you are now WADDLING (boink boink!!!) instead of walking. Being an IC mom 3rd time around, and observing all the pictures IC mommies posted on FB and forums, I can tell you that almost all of us gain more weight than others during our pregnancy. Yes, we have a very valid reason - it's the bedrest. It has caused a lot of weight gain (especially if you are like me, a fitness buff at normal times) and muscle loss. Just turning from left to right (and vice versa) in bed will probably leave you breathless, and that toilet trip 10 steps from your settee is probably gonna get you panting for breath.
So if you do feel like you truly want to get this over and done with as soon as possible, don't fret. You are not alone. You are not a bad mother. And well, eventhough I enjoyed my first 2 IC pregnancies, this 3rd one is taking its toll on my body. Perhaps it's just age. Perhaps the bedrest I had to endure this time around is for a longer period than the previous two, so the physical and emotional effects are taking its toll on me. If your stitch is already removed and you had been so looking forward to holding that baby in your arms but he/she is not yet making an appearance, just take this last few weeks as your opportunity to go walk the shopping complexes which you have not seen the daylight of the last 6 or so months. Go scrub that toilet with a toothbrush, and arrange and rearrange the little pink wardrobe full of little pink dresses and booties. But remember, though, if you do plan to go out, your waters may break (remember, there is no more stitch down there?) so be prepared to for that too. Bottomline is, truly enjoy these last few weeks as a pregnant lady. If you have been stuck with bedrest all these time, you probably didn't get to wear that chic maternity dress you bought when the 2 pink lines turned up on your pee stick. Well, now is the time to do that and enjoy the privileges and attention you may find yourself receiving from strangers around you at the mall and public places.
I have had strangers offering me to cut the queue at the public washroom, and seats at wherever I happen to be standing. I get chatted up by friendly shoppers. People in general would just give me a knowing smile and they don't seem to be able to help themselves from striking a conversation with me about my pregnant belly. It is a wonderful change from having been couped up at home in front of the computer/tab/smartphone/television.
Other sites will tell you to talk to your baby and all that... well, as IC mommies... and I think we owe it to our husbands and older children to pay them due attention now. Carry your 3 year old who has been missing it the last 6 months, or more. Take him to the park, go on that swing with your little girl, do all those things which you haven't been doing the last 6 months with your children, as you know within weeks (or even days) from now, you will be back to being unable to do all those things with them. As for the dear supportive husband, time for some tender loving care. If you are up to it, and if your doctor gives you the green light, perhaps it's time to resume some intimacy. :)
At the same time, always remember that late pregnancies come with its own worries and complications so even though we are totally out of our 'danger zone' (sometimes we IC mommies forget that there is more to a pregnancy than the worry of a preterm baby), it is prudent to still watch our health. Again, if our doctor gives us the green light, maybe time to resume some physical activities like walking, swimming and some stretching. Continue to eat healthily and wait for the arrival of the little bundle of joy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
WEEK 36 : Week by Week Incompetent Cervix Pregnancy Guide - What to Expect During and After Removal of Cerclage
NOTE : For the regular advice on Week 36, I suppose there are hundreds of other websites to tell you how it
goes. This blog serves to supplement those sites, my personal favourites
being What To Expect, Baby Centre UK and Parents.
Do take note, however that I am not a professional physician, I
practise law for a living and the only thing I know about incompetent
cervix is through my own experience as a mother of 2 and a 31 week old
baking in the oven! :) The purpose of this blog then is just to simply
share the joys and heartaches, the blessings and curses, the sadness and
happiness and the disappointments and the pleasant surprises of our
journey as a mom with an incompetent cervix.
Who would have thought you would come this far? Well, if your baby decides to make an appearance now, he/she will be just as good as a fullterm baby. But for some of us, bear in mind the little stitch is still in there, and we don't want to tear through it until it is removed next week, so just be very aware of whether you are in labour.
Ok, what in the world in being in labour means? Again I'm not going to go into details as hundreds of other websites would tell you how it feels. But the difference between us and those ladies going through a normal pregnancy is, our cerclage is probably still in there and therefore we do not have the luxury of waiting at home till we have regular contractions. WE DO NOT WANT TO TEAR THROUGH OUR STITCH! Do read Week 35 on preparations (read : Hospital bag) and what to expect after the removal of the stitch.
Let's talk about what to expect DURING the removal of the stitch today. First and foremost, treat this as your labour day : in other words, bring along your hospital bag, your birth plan, your carseats installed, video cams, smartphones fully charged equipped with fully charged powerbanks - you get the picture. You may have breakfast, of course, just in case you DO go into labour and you will need the energy. Wear something you would wear to go for your regular check up, as when you do go into labour, they will get you to change into the hospital gown anyway.
Ok, so you say good morning to the receptionist and your doctor's assistant. After all the paperwork (if any), you will be led into the labour room (most doctors do this, but some will just do it in their clinic). If your cerclage is a Mcdonald cerclage (this is probably the most common TVC), it will be removed without any anaesthetic, unless you really don't think you can take the pain or if there are other complications (e.g. the doctor can't find the stitch as it has embedded into your cervix over the last few months!). Some doctors will place your legs on stirrups as when you had your cerclage stitched or during labour, but some will do without it, with just your legs wide opened (similar to when you have your pap smear test), and the procedure will be very much the reverse of when it was put it. You will probably feel a lot of pressure (ok, PAIN) but there are some women who didn't feel anything at all (ENVY!!!) From my 2 previous experiences, I remember the cerclage removal procedure to be even more painful than labour itself. Ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I guess it's all very psychological - this is unncessary pain, unlike the contractions during labour which you know is necessary and have been experienced by women since the beginning of time.
After the removal, you may or may not go into labour. They will hook you up to some machines to determine whether the removal of the cerclage has triggered the onset of labour. They will probably not keep you beyond a few hours, so be prepared to go home before lunch. Thing is, if you are like me, you will probably have hubby close to you while the stitch is removed and to drive you home if you do not go into labour. Otherwise I suppose you can drive yourself home. You will probably bleed a bit so come with a sanitary pad or at least some pantiliners.
This is how the little stitch which has been keeping your little one baking looks like :
For the few hours after or perhaps few days after, you will probably feel a bit sore, so eventhough if you haven't gone into labour and now you are officially free to do whatever you want (finally!!!), you will probably be too sore to want to do anything. But then again, every women is different and every pregnancy is different. For me, the pain was for a few hours, then... it's INDEPENDENCE!!! Time to go singing, shopping and NESTING!!! Yea, your nesting instincts probably kicked in much earlier (especially if you have been on bedrest and the house is starting to grow mold) but now you can actually do it!
However, do bear in mind that if you overdo it (like me, both times), your waterbag may burst before you start having regular contractions (but it is from the mere fact that you DO have an incompetent cervix and you are dilating without contractions) so very likely... you will have to be induced if this happens. But you are dilating, why the need for induction? Well... you are dilating but not dilating fast enough, and you have ruptured your membranes! Ok, sounds complicated. But bottomline is, don't go bungee jumping just yet. Bear in mind also the risk of infection as for some of us, our cervix may have already dilated and/or fully effaced before our cerclage was placed, or maybe during the last few months even with the stitch in place. And of course there are other late pregnancies concerns which you may want to consider as well, after all - incompetent cervix is just one of the complications of a pregnancy. We always forget that, don't we?
Don't let me scare you any longer. Just go get the stitch removed and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!
Who would have thought you would come this far? Well, if your baby decides to make an appearance now, he/she will be just as good as a fullterm baby. But for some of us, bear in mind the little stitch is still in there, and we don't want to tear through it until it is removed next week, so just be very aware of whether you are in labour.
Ok, what in the world in being in labour means? Again I'm not going to go into details as hundreds of other websites would tell you how it feels. But the difference between us and those ladies going through a normal pregnancy is, our cerclage is probably still in there and therefore we do not have the luxury of waiting at home till we have regular contractions. WE DO NOT WANT TO TEAR THROUGH OUR STITCH! Do read Week 35 on preparations (read : Hospital bag) and what to expect after the removal of the stitch.
Let's talk about what to expect DURING the removal of the stitch today. First and foremost, treat this as your labour day : in other words, bring along your hospital bag, your birth plan, your carseats installed, video cams, smartphones fully charged equipped with fully charged powerbanks - you get the picture. You may have breakfast, of course, just in case you DO go into labour and you will need the energy. Wear something you would wear to go for your regular check up, as when you do go into labour, they will get you to change into the hospital gown anyway.
Ok, so you say good morning to the receptionist and your doctor's assistant. After all the paperwork (if any), you will be led into the labour room (most doctors do this, but some will just do it in their clinic). If your cerclage is a Mcdonald cerclage (this is probably the most common TVC), it will be removed without any anaesthetic, unless you really don't think you can take the pain or if there are other complications (e.g. the doctor can't find the stitch as it has embedded into your cervix over the last few months!). Some doctors will place your legs on stirrups as when you had your cerclage stitched or during labour, but some will do without it, with just your legs wide opened (similar to when you have your pap smear test), and the procedure will be very much the reverse of when it was put it. You will probably feel a lot of pressure (ok, PAIN) but there are some women who didn't feel anything at all (ENVY!!!) From my 2 previous experiences, I remember the cerclage removal procedure to be even more painful than labour itself. Ok, maybe I exaggerate, but I guess it's all very psychological - this is unncessary pain, unlike the contractions during labour which you know is necessary and have been experienced by women since the beginning of time.
After the removal, you may or may not go into labour. They will hook you up to some machines to determine whether the removal of the cerclage has triggered the onset of labour. They will probably not keep you beyond a few hours, so be prepared to go home before lunch. Thing is, if you are like me, you will probably have hubby close to you while the stitch is removed and to drive you home if you do not go into labour. Otherwise I suppose you can drive yourself home. You will probably bleed a bit so come with a sanitary pad or at least some pantiliners.
This is how the little stitch which has been keeping your little one baking looks like :
For the few hours after or perhaps few days after, you will probably feel a bit sore, so eventhough if you haven't gone into labour and now you are officially free to do whatever you want (finally!!!), you will probably be too sore to want to do anything. But then again, every women is different and every pregnancy is different. For me, the pain was for a few hours, then... it's INDEPENDENCE!!! Time to go singing, shopping and NESTING!!! Yea, your nesting instincts probably kicked in much earlier (especially if you have been on bedrest and the house is starting to grow mold) but now you can actually do it!
However, do bear in mind that if you overdo it (like me, both times), your waterbag may burst before you start having regular contractions (but it is from the mere fact that you DO have an incompetent cervix and you are dilating without contractions) so very likely... you will have to be induced if this happens. But you are dilating, why the need for induction? Well... you are dilating but not dilating fast enough, and you have ruptured your membranes! Ok, sounds complicated. But bottomline is, don't go bungee jumping just yet. Bear in mind also the risk of infection as for some of us, our cervix may have already dilated and/or fully effaced before our cerclage was placed, or maybe during the last few months even with the stitch in place. And of course there are other late pregnancies concerns which you may want to consider as well, after all - incompetent cervix is just one of the complications of a pregnancy. We always forget that, don't we?
Don't let me scare you any longer. Just go get the stitch removed and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!
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