So, No.3 was born since my last post. Cerclage was removed at Week 38, and there was quite a bit of drama as OBGYN went on holiday so even after removal of cerclage I had to just stay put and make sure he is back before I dilate further. But then again, I went straight to 4cms dilated upon removal of the darned stitch. Thank goodness lil one decided to make an appearance only 10 days later, exactly 1 week before her due date.
There wasn't much drama, except that I really wanted to remember the pain, as I knew this was going to be my last baby. I want to remember every contraction, every twitch, every grasping churning twisting pain. And there... finally the contractions were getting closer and more intense... and little Lana was finally born on 27 March 2015 - a whopping 3.94kg - bigger than her 2 elder brothers! I love every moment of watching her grow, her beautiful smile, her first laugh, the first time she flipped over, the first time she burped, sneezed, held herself up....
Fast forward to today - she is 8 months and 2 weeks old. My beuautiful little princess. Daddy's little pride and joy. He will pick her up before he even takes off his socks upon returning from work daily - she beams at him and it's wonderful to see the interaction between father and daughter.
Me? Well, all my plans for my career was at a standstill after my cerclage placement - and when little princess was 2 weeks old, I tried to get back to work - my business associate was even kind enough to strike a deal with me where I only need to draft and research - from home. No meeting of clients, no handling of office staff, no court work. Just draft. And research. From home. Now, baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps - how difficult can it be? The eldest just entered primary (elementary) school, and no. 2 1st year in preschool. I just need to pick them up after school, feed them, nap in the afternoon - of course I can be a WFHM (Work from Home Mom)!!! It beats being a fulltime working mom, I don't even need make up and high heels and I can fully breastfeed my little princess!!! Surely it beats the SAHM (stay at home moms) too! I mean... I am still earning a decent income and I can still have an identity - I can still call myself a practising lawyer! BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!! WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?!!!
Ok... in the beginning, your newborn does nothing but sleep. She cried only when she was hungry or she was dirty. Then she started crying when she was tired. Then she started crying just because she wanted attention. In the beginning, she slept 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. 6 solid hours of drafting and research - and a decent income. Wow... I could even bake and cook and do laundry and kept my house spick and span!
Then she started to sit, and crawl, and cruise... and before I could say SOLIDS, she was sleeping 1 hour and awake 3 hours instead of the other way round! So here was the crazy schedule (actually I would use the present tense, but it's the school holidays so... but once the holiday season is over it would be this schedule again! )....
Wake up.
Bathe and feed the boys
Prepare the boys for school
Keep fingers crossed that baby sleeps through all the morning chaos
Put laundry to wash
Say bye bye to boys and hubby
On a good day, now baby is up. Feed baby.
Defrost the meat, maybe even cut up some vegetables if she is quiet.
My turn for the toilet and bathroom if she is quiet.
Give baby her bath.
Play with her for a little while, or if she is quiet, keep yesterday's laundry.
Put out laundry
Fold laundry
Sweep and mop the floor a little
Clear the mess a little , if she is quiet.
(note "if she is quiet" becomes the main theme here)
Hopefully by now she needs her nap. If not, then continue to give her attention while trying to do some house chores.
It would be about 11am by now. 1 hour before I need to rush to pick up No.2 from preschool. Yikes, I hadn't cooked yet.
Maybe forget the chicken. Just boil some macaroni and sausages. Perhaps its mac and cheese for lunch today. Again.
Is baby napping yet? Remember the "if she is quiet" earlier when I had my bath and toilet time? If not, now is the time to put her in the crib and if she is still not quiet I will just have to brush my teeth, take my shower and everything else in the toilet WHILE SHE SCREAMS (oh, our neighbours have made comments about her screams several times by now)
Hey, what about that assignment that was due 2 weeks ago? The research about what happens if the Defendant wants to file an application to strike out my client's motion? Oh,maybe will try to do squeeze in some work after my bath, if she is quiet.
Is it 12.15 already? YIKES! Time to rush to pick up no.2. Wait... baby just fell asleep? No choice,have to risk waking her up while transferring her to the car. Rushed to pick no.2 up. He is sulking again as I was late.
No time to pacify him. Have to rush to pick up No.1 now. Oh dear... I forgot to bring his tuition bag... he had tuition after school. Oh no baby is crying in her carseat. Its too warm. Or is it too cold? Looked at all the other coiffed moms enviously... they are even wearing heels. I'm in my slippers (gosh they match today) and my old pair of spectacles (with 1 side tied up with string - no time to even get that repaired). Since when would I go anywhere without my contact lenses? oh well..
Ok, managed to get through lunch time (barely, shoving mac and cheese down my boys' throat with lots of threats "If you don't finish your food now NO PLANTS AND ZOMBIES FOR 3 WEEKS!!!!" and my own isn't really having lunch. It's shoving down lunch... sorry I diverted... ok, finally its 3pm and no2 and baby and myself are home. Perhaps they would nap now and I could finally work. Oh, the laundry still in the washing machine? The earlier "if she is quiet" obviously didn't work. Finally it was 4.30pm and they looked happy enough in their little dreamland. Time to finally settle down and get some work done. WHAT WORK?!!! I"M SO TOTALLY EXHAUSTED!!!! But well, no choice eh. Unless I wanted to work after all 3 sleep at night (about 10pm?). And we are talking about fullblown court trials- the drafting and research takes time. I have to read 200 cases before I get down to 1 relevant one. I'm not doing data entry or crocheting from home. I'm actually going through legal judgments (judges somehow took it upon themselves to write 100 page judgments to say something which can be summed up in 2 sentences. And if it's an appellate court, there would be 5 judges - each will write 100 pages of judgment eventhough all agreed with each other that the Defendant is liable to pay the Plaintiff the sum claimed)
Well, in the evening when the baby had her final feed and smiled to me while No.1 and No.2 give me the BIG FAT HUG (as they call it) and BIG FAT KISS saying "I love you very much mommy"... everything seems like ... it's all worth it. I haven't missed any of my daughter's firsts, as much as I have missed most of my 2 sons' firsts.
It's tough. I don't want to make sweeping statements that it's tougher than a full time working mom, or a SAHM. Who am I to say that? It's not a competition and I am not comparing. But there are days when relatives and friends (ill informed ones) would make statements like "You are so free what, nowadays a lady of leisure" - until I corrected them that I'm actually still earning a living working from home while trying to see to my 3 kids with very very different needs (I have a kid in primary school, everything is new and challenging and I have actually skipped the part about his homework and piano lessons - I have a Preschooler whom, thankfully, is quite independent but he is a sensitive, extremely intelligent child and I do not want to neglect his gift, and of course, an infant child). There are also days when my eldest would make comments like "daddy is working so hard. mommy is just staying at home" Of course he doesn't know better. But it still hurts.
And somehow friends are hard to come by. Because I'm always busy. It's difficult to hang out with working friends, as they actually earn real money and carrying real handbags and buying shoes and clothes from real retail shops. It's difficult to hang out with real SAHM as all they talk about are their kids and I want to talk about work too. I'm constantly judged by unmarried friends, married friends with no kids, and many (thankfully not all) fellow lawyers have totally cancelled me out of their address books. I'm stuck in between. I am constantly tired. Physically and mentally. I cry, laugh, scream, shout, all at the same time.
It's crazy. It's inhuman trying to do what I'm trying to do. I love my kids. I love being with my baby 24/7. But I also miss adult talk. I miss wearing make up and get a decent haircut. Now a good day is if I can shower without a baby screaming throughout the 5 minute shower. I hadn't had a haircut in months. Nobody invites me out for coffee and cake anymore because I have turned them down too often. I earn, but I don't earn enough to get help. I don't earn enough to hire a reliable maid or babysitter or to send my kids to daycare. I made the decision to stay at home, so obviously I couldn't earn as much. I turned away enough clients to finally have very few, if not, NONE at all, prospective client calling me. And even if they do call, I can't shortchange them because my hands are literally full. If I go back to work... well...
Life is tough.
Very tough. My 2 cent worth if you are at the stage where you are trying to decide whether to go back to work or be a SAHM? Well, either way, you are ok. Just not a WFHM. It does NOT work.
